Decisions, Decisions Not My Strong Suit

Headache day three and I am conflicted on whether to go to the ER for a cat scan. My noggin’ is still throbbing but not painful enough to keep me awake. It is not getting worse and that makes me think I just need to be patient to let the pain pass. Advil is strong enough to make me feel better but oh how I want to keep my head on my pillow rather than lift it onto my neck for a support.

What I know about me is that the doctor represents two fears. First that nothing will be wrong and they will scratch their heads at why I was such a baby that I wasted their time. Second that something will be wrong and I will have to deal with the truth of the situation. Mostly I fear the first one which is not logical since I should be glad if everything is okay. So why do I have such a fear of being perceived as a baby or drama queen? My family didn’t go to the doctor when I was growing up. They weren’t so bad as to be that family that said rub some dirt on it you will be fine. But they were cautious about going for treatment. Money was definitely something that played into their decision. The truth is also that fear was a part of their decision. My father never went to a dentist in his life. I am sure he had tooth pain and could have benefited from a good cleaning but that was not what he did.

Another reason I avoid the doctor is that I had years of endometrial pain that eventually took away my ability to become pregnant. The exhausting treatments were life consuming. It feels like I spent over five years at the doctor with an outcome that I perceived as a failure. The truth is all that time and expense was successful. I live pain free as a mom of four chosen children who enrich  my life  as adults like they did as kids. So PTSD should not keep me from getting an exam. But here I sit evaluating my head pain and wondering if it is a waste of time to go and get checked. Wondering if I will miss a real problem if I don’t get checked. The saying is more information is key so that makes it seem like a simple decision. My friend who is a nurse said wait and see if the symptoms get worse. My pharmacist friend said go check for a blood clot. The internet says there is not much they will do even if there is a head bleed except rest and pain relievers. Ron seems to think I am okay but Natalie is worried. What I do know is I have spent two precious days away from my week old grandson with my head on a pillow instead of his head in my arms. I guess I will discuss it once more with Ronnie B. before he leaves on the plane for New Mexico this afternoon.

In Him,
Joyful
2-29-20
Leap year woohooo!