Losses and Connections

 An end of an era, a transition to new things this New Year’s Day is the right time to reflect on what was and lean into what is to be. The losses of last year are enormous and fill my heart to the point that I cannot say I am okay. The truth is I am still numb from the truth of what has been lost this past year. It seems like a decade since Ron and I were walking with Beth through her cancer treatments and then death. Certainly it is hard to wrap my brain around the fact that she hasn’t even been gone a year. There are losses that we anticipate like losing my Mom in 2019. Her illness took her in a year and a half just as the doctors predicted. That time was spent wallowing in time with her, laughter and joy along with hard truths of her decline. Her last meal was her favorite fudge and a rice krispy treat. The loss of my sister to Covid kicked me in the gut and especially in the heart. I didn’t see that coming. There was no time to say goodbyes and scream at the unfairness. I recognize that along with loneliness I have guilt. Teri and Allen were diligent at staying separate and safe through this worldwide pandemic. Ron and I were cautious but continued to travel in our RV and got out and about. 

Why Teri? It doesn’t really help that I am not alone in my grief. The fact that families all over the globe are losing loved ones to Covid and that they are dying alone without us near is not a comfort. Teri was always there for anyone in the hospital. My phone is full of messages from her after my knee surgery in October just checking in to see how I was doing. Then she laid in a hospital bed alone, scared and struggling for each breath. How is that fair? My prayer is that through those countless days she recognized a strength she never even knew she had. That she had a close relationship with Jesus comforts me. She was never truly alone. Technology helped us stay connected through video, text and voice chats when she was up to it. The last thing she whispered to me was ‘Be careful’. Always my big sister even as she lay alone with a mask helping her draw breath. I am jealous of my sister. She is not living with the loss I am feeling with her last breath. Yes, I have even more guilt for admitting this truth. 

As 2021 comes into focus and we transition to a new year there is also new hope. There will surely be loss this upcoming year. Some will be expected and some we won’t see coming. But we need to treasure the gift of the present and the connections we have to each other. A wise person reminded me that relationships evolve and we don’t need to keep them in a box. My hope is to step closer to people in my life and not retreat in grief and pain. Part of moving on is not forgetting who we have lost but holding them close in our hearts and memories. I hope to be more present in 2021 and less worried about to do lists. Others and our connections to them is the real gift in this life. I need to reach out and embrace it more this new year. 

In Him,

Joyful

1-1-21