Still Connecting Us from Above~Happy Birthday Ryan, My Son

Once again Ryan is celebrating his birthday not here with us but in his heavenly home. The impact he had in his twenty-four years continues to amaze me. What treasures he left behind with his still growing family and all the lives he touched while here on earth. His heart for others is evident in the words of Jess who is now my family even from across country. So I wanted to share her words and the hope that others will be impacted by Ryan's story through the words God placed on my heart through this journey. 

Jess Reeves wrote eloquently about my son. Proof I needed to share his story.

today ended my 7 day stretch at work. my goal was to go home play with the kids, feed them and put them to bed so I could go to bed. instead , when i got home i had a package waiting for me. not from amazon or anything like that. just a small package that contained the greatest gift i have EVER received. heres why. 13 years ago i was living in Las Vegas all on my own and i was in a very bad place. lots of drugs, drinking, just bad stuff. i had met a guy, Ryan, that was a complete goof and always and i mean always found a way to make me laugh even when i REALLY didnt want to. just with simple jokes and random long talks he helped me get my head right. ya see when i met him i was very much ready to die. i hated myself for hundreds of reasons. i was a bad person and i wanted it all to be over. and he just wasnt going to let that happen. he just had this way of knowing when i wasn't ok. id always ask how he knew i needed to talk and the only answer i ever got was "lost knows lost, whats going on?" and we would talk for hours. he pulled me back, made me feel like me again. made me feel like living was worth all the shit. so i did just that. i lived, made more friends, got a life and got rid of all the shit. and things were good. but, i think he spent all his heart and mind and time on fixing everyone else around him, he never wanted anyone to be sad, poured all of himself into everyone around him and i dont think there was enough him left in him if that makes sense. we spent a week planning for my bday party. my big 21. it was going to be huge. life was great. then, Ryan killed himself, in probably the most violent way a person could. all the laughing and smiles and hope were gone. it didnt make any sense. a month and 5 days after Ryan died i moved home to maine. to try to find a way to feel like me again because as dumb as it sounds, the person that was making me be me again and making me believe living was better than dying just ended his life. i spent so much time just trying to figure out why. and it didnt make sense. he always said everyone has a purpose and everything happens the way its meant to , well it was bullshit. he wasn't supposed to go like that and i was BIG BIG mad. then i got pregnant. my life suddenly had a purpose because i had a little girl. i found my purpose and what really truly made me, me. i had little miss kayleigh rianne.( if she had been a boy her name would have been ryan but i got as close as i could with the middle name). turns out Ryan had been right, my story wasn't over. i am now 31, about to be 32 and planning my birthday party. but not as the lost lonely girl that Ryan had met, but as a wife, and a mom of 3 beautiful babies, Kayleigh Rianne, Arianna Jade and Alexander Michael Owen. 13 years ago, i want to die. but because of Ryan, i found my purpose. the package i got was a book, made of all the blog posts written by Ryan's beautiful mother. her thoughts, her fears her struggles and her stories of ryan and his life. i am already half way through this book and i have cried far more than i thought i could. but reading this confirms just what an amazing person he truly was, and while he wasnt here nearly long enough, the things he did in his 24 years of life, the people he touched. i learned so much from him in the short time i knew him and it got me back to me. i will always be grateful to him for keeping me going when i didnt want to. it breaks my heart that i couldnt do the same for him, and that he isnt here anymore, but i fully believe he is always with his family and his little girl, and that he finally has peace. i miss him all the time, but this book is an amazing reminder of the wonderful person he was and just how loved he really was. thank you so, so much for this gift Barbara Friedman Barber. it means more to me than you know . Jess

 

 If you would like a copy of our journey please let me know. Terra, I would love to send you one but lost your address. If you have read our story please share with others or write a review on Amazon how it impacted you. I appreciate all who loved Ryan and who share his life stories with me.

 

In Him,

Joyful

3-2-22 My birfday is March second