There is no worry that I will develop lazy lungs. This long Covid experience of being dependent on oxygen and rest is frustrating and depressing. Life has told me to buck up, work through it, just try harder. Even Nike says Just do it. But 2023 for me is learning to not beat myself up for needing rest. Dr. Carr told me yesterday after I revealed that I was going without oxygen for a half hour or more to see if I could wean myself off it, that I needed the oxygen 24/7 until I don’t. My body doesn’t need lack of oxygen to heal. Quite the opposite is true. Having what I need is how my body will heal and I can get back to a more normal routine.
The other point I have been beating myself up for is that I am not reading my Bible more, working on my podcast, or even posting here as much as I think I should. It makes me angry at myself that I am not being productive in this quiet phase of my life. How I am giving myself grace or attempting to is that this health situation has not only affected my physically but mentally as well. Time to be gentle with myself like I would for others who face similar circumstances.
If I am honest, I didn’t believe I would survive this and got in a really dark place. I am not afraid of death but don’t want to leave the grief for my family and friends. My ego inflates to think that God needs me here so they will be okay. Just like pressing my foot into mud and watching it fill back in, I need to know that He will bring others into their lives to fill the void I leave. Not that I am going to heaven anytime soon. Just as I miss my parents, Ryan, so many that I love and wish were here, I will remain a part of others heart stories.
So here I sit at the end of the fifth month of this year with a dancing hand due to essential tremor and oxygen that keeps me on a leash but out of the hospital. My life has changed this year. But I am getting better everyday and have hope moving forward. I am trusting that God has my health and the lives of those I love when I can’t lend a hand. My job is to do what I can to recover by following doctor’s orders and be thankful. I am walking to the end of my street and sucking those little balls up in the tubes to exercise my lungs. But I need to be realistic in how rest pays a roll in recovery.
Today I am trusting that I will be walking with my Ronnie B sooner than later. I am ordering an portable oxygen concentrator to be ready to lace up my walking shoes. Insurance doesn’t cover it but I am worth it. I try to do so much for others that I need to do this for me. Just like putting your own oxygen on first on a flight, I need to breath to be able to get back to being there for others. Heck, last night I passed on having a cat robot at a new eatery serve me spicy shrimp tacos to watch a Hallmark movie in bed. Soon I will have those tacos. Even if I need to go for lunch before my now earlier bedtime. Ronnie B said when asked why I would be a good mom a very short answer. Patience. Now I need to practice what he thinks is my strongest gift.
It is definitely time to hang the hammock on the back porch and go for a swing outside.
In Him,
Joyful
5-26-23
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